Parenting and Healthy Sexuality
Take Home Points
- Law of Chastity
- Focusing on the spiritual aspects of sex, not just the physical aspects
- Think about what you want sexuality to MEAN in your life - so you won't engage in certain behaviors because of what you want it to mean to you later when you do
- Behavior is part of the law of chastity, but it is not the heart of the law
- Chastity is not an individual issue - a deeper appreciation of chastity is found in the relationships between two people - marriage is not a chastity "finish line"
- It's something to express our divine nature and potential and a way of strengthening emotional and spiritual bonds between husband and wife
- What is the goal?
- Many parents just want to control the behavior of their child by using the idea that the behavior is wrong or sinful
- Teaching that sexual feelings and behaviors are wrong, sinful, or something to be ashamed of can bring devastating long-term effects
- Emphasize the beauty and importance of feelings - why it should be celebrated - help them understand their sexual feelings and guide them as they work towards controlling God-given feelings and emotions
- Help them understand the WHYS of sexuality
- Not "how far can I go" but "what do I want sex to mean in my life?"
- Chastity is not just about when sex happens, it's about WHY sex happens
- Sexual Wholeness
- Physical dimension
- Satisfaction, pleasure, health
- Emotional dimension
- Love, attachment, unity
- Spiritual dimension
- Meaning, purpose, progression
- Three Aspects of Parent-Child Sex Communication
- Frequency - how often do you talk with your child about sexuality?
- Quality - how do you talk with your child about sexuality?
- Message - what message do you convey about sexuality?
- Do you have a casual sex ethic? Relationship ethic? Engagement ethic? Marriage ethic?
- Developmental Issues to Consider
- Young Children
- It is not out of the ordinary for very young children to be interested in their bodies and to touch themselves
- This is normal and natural and does not mean they are dirty or will become a pervert
- DO NOT ATTACH SHAME TO THIS BEHAVIOR
- The best thing to do for little kids is to distract them - throw a ball or whatever
- Help them understand that it might be something you should just be doing when you're alone - for little kids you can't really reason them out of it, so just try to control the behavior so they aren't doing it in public
- Parents should not respond in shaming ways and should not overreact
- If you react negatively be sure you go back and talk to them later and try again
- Don't make sexual sin a secret - make it something that can be talked about in the open
- Explain to children how their wonderful bodies work and celebrate them!
- Refer to body parts with the correct names!
- Be honest, but only answer what they ask - be clear about what their actual question is and then answer what they are really asking
- Teenagers
- May see sexual latency during early childhood
- Puberty may begin as early as 7 or 8 in girls and 9 or 10 in boys - be aware and start talking about it sooner than you'd planned
- First menarche usually 12 and first spermarche 14
- Boys and girls who are prepared for puberty and sexuality report much better experiences tan those who are not prepared
- AVOID SHAMING
- Avoid object lessons
- Young Adults
- As children transition into marriage, emphasize the need for unselfish service and love
- Focus on the needs of your partner in the relationship
- Be positive: help them understand commitment and encourage fun in sexuality
- Be open: engagement is a great time to talk about arousal patterns and chastity
- Do we need to have sex on the first night?
- Help them understand that it is about thinking about the needs of your partner - if they are not ready then it doesn't need to be done right away
- Is sex just to create babies?
- What are the mechanics of sex?
- How often should we have sex?
- Encourage a more intimate honeymoon - it doesn't matter if you go somewhere nice - the honeymoon is to get to know each other physically
- The Role of Child Temperament
- Over-regulated Child
- Shy
- Withdrawn
- Anxious
- Under-regulated Child
- Extroverted
- Impulsive
- No fear of authority
- Most children fall somewhere in between
- Males are more likely to be under-regulated and females are more likely to be over-regulated
- But the majority of both are pretty balanced in their regulation
- Change the WHY
- Modesty as an example
- Modesty is the protection around our sexuality - anything from the outside trying to come in is blocked and we're not letting anything that is on the inside out
- Modesty is much more than the length of a dress or the way clothes fit - it encompasses how we feel, think, and behave
- Modesty is an attitude of reserve and a lack of pretentiousness
- Sexual modesty is based on the idea that the part of ourselves that is sexual including how we look, act, and feel that draws attention to our sexuality and stimulates sexual thoughts in ourselves and others is only reserved for our spouse or future spouse
- A modest person would not provocatively dress, speak, or act in any way that drew attention to his/her sexuality or body except in the privacy of marriage
- Modesty practice
- Don't brag about your accomplishments
- Try not to show off for the approval of others
- Share personal accomplishments with only your closest friends
- Avoid talking about material possessions you have
- Be positive about yourself and don't put yourself down
- Give others a chance to talk
- Compliment others - compliment their character not just their physical appearance
- Show genuine concern and interest in everyone around you, not just your friends
- Practice humility
- Thank people for their help and give credit to others
- Things to try -
- Explain to children why they have sexual feelings and reassure them they are natural and normal then talk with them about how beautiful they can be within the bounds of marriage and why learning to control them is so important
- Approach specific topics from a why perspective
- Puberty - why do physical changes happen and how are they normal
- Pornography - why can it be damaging to sexuality and relationships
- Modesty - what does it mean and why is it important
- Masturbation - why individual expressions of sexuality are not ideal, though the feelings are normal and the struggle is real
- Dating - why you don't date until 16 and even later for exclusive dating
- Share with your child some of the general struggles you might have had with controlling your sexual behaviors or emotions as a youth
- As much as possible each interaction with the child should build trust, openness, and connection with the parent as a bridge to the spiritual messages that can only be understood and lives many years later
- Be patient! This is a lifelong journey for most of us, we cannot expect our teenagers to have perfected this area of their lives
- Conclusion
- Have a growth mindset - sexuality with teenagers is like learning to walk - they are going to make mistakes and fall and we need to be there to help them get back up and continue to change
- There is always room for improvement
- Focusing on the spiritual aspects of sex, not just the physical aspects
- Think about what you want sexuality to MEAN in your life - so you won't engage in certain behaviors because of what you want it to mean to you later when you do
- Behavior is part of the law of chastity, but it is not the heart of the law
- Chastity is not an individual issue - a deeper appreciation of chastity is found in the relationships between two people - marriage is not a chastity "finish line"
- It's something to express our divine nature and potential and a way of strengthening emotional and spiritual bonds between husband and wife
- Many parents just want to control the behavior of their child by using the idea that the behavior is wrong or sinful
- Teaching that sexual feelings and behaviors are wrong, sinful, or something to be ashamed of can bring devastating long-term effects
- Emphasize the beauty and importance of feelings - why it should be celebrated - help them understand their sexual feelings and guide them as they work towards controlling God-given feelings and emotions
- Help them understand the WHYS of sexuality
- Not "how far can I go" but "what do I want sex to mean in my life?"
- Chastity is not just about when sex happens, it's about WHY sex happens
- Physical dimension
- Satisfaction, pleasure, health
- Emotional dimension
- Love, attachment, unity
- Spiritual dimension
- Meaning, purpose, progression
- Frequency - how often do you talk with your child about sexuality?
- Quality - how do you talk with your child about sexuality?
- Message - what message do you convey about sexuality?
- Do you have a casual sex ethic? Relationship ethic? Engagement ethic? Marriage ethic?
- Young Children
- It is not out of the ordinary for very young children to be interested in their bodies and to touch themselves
- This is normal and natural and does not mean they are dirty or will become a pervert
- DO NOT ATTACH SHAME TO THIS BEHAVIOR
- The best thing to do for little kids is to distract them - throw a ball or whatever
- Help them understand that it might be something you should just be doing when you're alone - for little kids you can't really reason them out of it, so just try to control the behavior so they aren't doing it in public
- Parents should not respond in shaming ways and should not overreact
- If you react negatively be sure you go back and talk to them later and try again
- Don't make sexual sin a secret - make it something that can be talked about in the open
- Explain to children how their wonderful bodies work and celebrate them!
- Refer to body parts with the correct names!
- Be honest, but only answer what they ask - be clear about what their actual question is and then answer what they are really asking
- Teenagers
- May see sexual latency during early childhood
- Puberty may begin as early as 7 or 8 in girls and 9 or 10 in boys - be aware and start talking about it sooner than you'd planned
- First menarche usually 12 and first spermarche 14
- Boys and girls who are prepared for puberty and sexuality report much better experiences tan those who are not prepared
- AVOID SHAMING
- Avoid object lessons
- Young Adults
- As children transition into marriage, emphasize the need for unselfish service and love
- Focus on the needs of your partner in the relationship
- Be positive: help them understand commitment and encourage fun in sexuality
- Be open: engagement is a great time to talk about arousal patterns and chastity
- Do we need to have sex on the first night?
- Help them understand that it is about thinking about the needs of your partner - if they are not ready then it doesn't need to be done right away
- Is sex just to create babies?
- What are the mechanics of sex?
- How often should we have sex?
- Encourage a more intimate honeymoon - it doesn't matter if you go somewhere nice - the honeymoon is to get to know each other physically
- Over-regulated Child
- Shy
- Withdrawn
- Anxious
- Under-regulated Child
- Extroverted
- Impulsive
- No fear of authority
- Most children fall somewhere in between
- Males are more likely to be under-regulated and females are more likely to be over-regulated
- But the majority of both are pretty balanced in their regulation
- Modesty as an example
- Modesty is the protection around our sexuality - anything from the outside trying to come in is blocked and we're not letting anything that is on the inside out
- Modesty is much more than the length of a dress or the way clothes fit - it encompasses how we feel, think, and behave
- Modesty is an attitude of reserve and a lack of pretentiousness
- Sexual modesty is based on the idea that the part of ourselves that is sexual including how we look, act, and feel that draws attention to our sexuality and stimulates sexual thoughts in ourselves and others is only reserved for our spouse or future spouse
- A modest person would not provocatively dress, speak, or act in any way that drew attention to his/her sexuality or body except in the privacy of marriage
- Modesty practice
- Don't brag about your accomplishments
- Try not to show off for the approval of others
- Share personal accomplishments with only your closest friends
- Avoid talking about material possessions you have
- Be positive about yourself and don't put yourself down
- Give others a chance to talk
- Compliment others - compliment their character not just their physical appearance
- Show genuine concern and interest in everyone around you, not just your friends
- Practice humility
- Thank people for their help and give credit to others
- Things to try -
- Explain to children why they have sexual feelings and reassure them they are natural and normal then talk with them about how beautiful they can be within the bounds of marriage and why learning to control them is so important
- Approach specific topics from a why perspective
- Puberty - why do physical changes happen and how are they normal
- Pornography - why can it be damaging to sexuality and relationships
- Modesty - what does it mean and why is it important
- Masturbation - why individual expressions of sexuality are not ideal, though the feelings are normal and the struggle is real
- Dating - why you don't date until 16 and even later for exclusive dating
- Share with your child some of the general struggles you might have had with controlling your sexual behaviors or emotions as a youth
- As much as possible each interaction with the child should build trust, openness, and connection with the parent as a bridge to the spiritual messages that can only be understood and lives many years later
- Be patient! This is a lifelong journey for most of us, we cannot expect our teenagers to have perfected this area of their lives
- Have a growth mindset - sexuality with teenagers is like learning to walk - they are going to make mistakes and fall and we need to be there to help them get back up and continue to change
- There is always room for improvement
Concerns
- Should I use metaphors/object lessons to teach my children about sex?
- No, metaphors are not the most effective way to teach children about sex
- Fear-based metaphors
- Negative portrayal of sexual intimacy
- Discourage dialogue
- Devalue the atonement
- Abstinence-based metaphors
- Added emphasis on context
- Correct, but incomplete
- Behavioral/individual
- "Marriage finish line"
- Solutions -
- Be open with your children about sex - talk to them about WHY we have sex and what is so important about it and thus why it is so important that we wait until we are sealed to someone before we engage in this activity
- It is the ultimate expression of love in a marriage
- Talk openly with your children from a young age to allow for dialogue and open communication when you children have questions
- When is the best time to teach my child about sex?
- ONE BIG TALK IS NOT ENOUGH! BE PROACTIVE!
- Most parents wait until this children are sexually active to start talking to them about sexuality
- This is something that you should be talking about openly in little spurts throughout your child's life
- Use age appropriate language throughout it all - what you would tell a 7 year old vs. a 17 year old is very different - tailor your conversations to the knowledge and understanding of your child
- Things to try:
- Allow your children to put questions about sexuality in a jar and pull one out and address it each week
- Have an FHE on sexuality (modesty, pornography, anatomy) and let your children teach
- Find a special time when you go out with your child and have an in-depth conversation about sexuality
- Talk specifically about YOUR child's sexuality - not just sexuality in general
- How should I teach my child about sex?
- The most important thing is the quality of the relationship you have with your child
- Mistakes made as a parent are buffered by a high quality relationship
- Be a good authoritative parent
- Create a culture of openness
- Have mutuality - be okay with kids bringing it up and also with parents bringing it up
- You don't ALWAYS have to be really heavy about it with your teenagers - you can make light of it without becoming irreverent
- Things to try:
- Culture of openness
- Avoid metaphors and object lessons
- Foster consistent, open communication
- Try not to overreact or shame your child for sexual questions or mistakes
- Tell your child repeatedly that they can ask you anything and THEN MAKE IT SO
- Tell your child that it's a good questions and let them know you'll come back and give them an answer - you can do some research in that time or practice teaching but MAKE SURE YOU COME BACK AND HAVE THE DISCUSSION WITH YOUR CHILD
- Improving the relationship
- Ask your children or spouse what you can do to improve your relationship with your child - be open to feedback
- Find something to praise your child about everyday
- Find time to spend together just you and your child
- Do something that your child wants to do, but you might not normally do (play hide and seek, have a water fight, play a favorite video game)
- No, metaphors are not the most effective way to teach children about sex
- Fear-based metaphors
- Negative portrayal of sexual intimacy
- Discourage dialogue
- Devalue the atonement
- Abstinence-based metaphors
- Added emphasis on context
- Correct, but incomplete
- Behavioral/individual
- "Marriage finish line"
- Solutions -
- Be open with your children about sex - talk to them about WHY we have sex and what is so important about it and thus why it is so important that we wait until we are sealed to someone before we engage in this activity
- It is the ultimate expression of love in a marriage
- Talk openly with your children from a young age to allow for dialogue and open communication when you children have questions
- ONE BIG TALK IS NOT ENOUGH! BE PROACTIVE!
- Most parents wait until this children are sexually active to start talking to them about sexuality
- This is something that you should be talking about openly in little spurts throughout your child's life
- Use age appropriate language throughout it all - what you would tell a 7 year old vs. a 17 year old is very different - tailor your conversations to the knowledge and understanding of your child
- Things to try:
- Allow your children to put questions about sexuality in a jar and pull one out and address it each week
- Have an FHE on sexuality (modesty, pornography, anatomy) and let your children teach
- Find a special time when you go out with your child and have an in-depth conversation about sexuality
- Talk specifically about YOUR child's sexuality - not just sexuality in general
- The most important thing is the quality of the relationship you have with your child
- Mistakes made as a parent are buffered by a high quality relationship
- Be a good authoritative parent
- Create a culture of openness
- Have mutuality - be okay with kids bringing it up and also with parents bringing it up
- You don't ALWAYS have to be really heavy about it with your teenagers - you can make light of it without becoming irreverent
- Things to try:
- Culture of openness
- Avoid metaphors and object lessons
- Foster consistent, open communication
- Try not to overreact or shame your child for sexual questions or mistakes
- Tell your child repeatedly that they can ask you anything and THEN MAKE IT SO
- Tell your child that it's a good questions and let them know you'll come back and give them an answer - you can do some research in that time or practice teaching but MAKE SURE YOU COME BACK AND HAVE THE DISCUSSION WITH YOUR CHILD
- Improving the relationship
- Ask your children or spouse what you can do to improve your relationship with your child - be open to feedback
- Find something to praise your child about everyday
- Find time to spend together just you and your child
- Do something that your child wants to do, but you might not normally do (play hide and seek, have a water fight, play a favorite video game)
Supplemental Resources
- "With the gift of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the strength of heaven to help us, we can improve, and the great thing about the gospel is we get credit for trying, even if we don't always succeed." - Elder Holland
- "If Christ were teaching a child to walk and the child stumbled, He would help the child get up and encourage the next steps. Christ is the helper and consoler. His ways bring joy and hope - eventually and always." - Elder Renlund
References: All material on this post was taken from in-class lectures and the book A Better Way to Teach Kids About Sex
(Padilla-Walker, L. M., Busby, D. M., Leavitt, C. E., & Carroll, J. S. (2018). A better way to teach kids about sex. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.)
(L. Walker, Parenting and Healthy Sexuality, SFL 240, Fall 2019)
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